Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

Hatman
Thu Jan 20, 2005 at 12:04:55 am EST
Subject
In honor of Cobra's engagement, I represent "The Newlydating Game, Part One"
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*Cue theme music*

Vizh: "Is this thing on? Umm, good evening, ladies and...does that say gentlemen? What? It's not my fault that we have the crappiest teleprompter in the universe! No, I don't want to sleep on the couch tonight! ....yes ma'am..."

Visionary leaves the stage, and Cheryl comes on.

Cheryl: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Cheryl, and you're watching the Newlydating game! Tonight, four couples who have been going out for less than a year will compete for the trip for two to Hawaii!"

Audience claps its approval.

Cheryl: "Now then...here are our couples. Please give a warm welcome to our first couple, Hatman and Sorceress!"

Hatman and Sorceress walk out and take their seats on their love seat.

Cheryl: "Our next couple, Dreamcatcher Foxglove, better known as CrazySugarFreakBoy!, and Cobra!

CSFB! comes bouding out and jumps into his place on the loveseat. Cobra slowly makes her way out, a venomous look on her face.

Cheryl: "The third couple, ManMan and Troia!"

ManMan and Troia make their way to the stage and seat themselves.

Cheryl: "And our fourth couple, Rocket Raccoon and Sersi!"

RR flies out from backstage, does a few loop-de-loops, and lands in his seat. Sersi reluctantly takes her place next to RR.

RR: "Hey Regis! You watching, you scum-sucking *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*!! I'm back on the *BLEEP*ing air!"

Sersi: "Is there anyway at all Cobra and RR could switch seats? Please? I'll give you money!"

Cheryl: "I'm afraid not. Now then, you all know the rules. We'll send the girlfriends backstage, and then we'll ask the boyfriends questions and record the answers on cards. Then we'll bring the girlfriends back and for every matching answer you'll get 5 points. Now then, let's begin!"

The women leave the stage.

Cheryl: "Now then, first question. I'd like to ask Tori to join me on stage."

Tori comes out from backstage, wearing a tight mini-dress.

Cheryl: "If you woke up and found Tori lying next to you in bed, how long would it take for you to search for your girlfriend? Hatman?"

Hat: "Immediately, for sure."

Cheryl: "ManMan."

ManMan: "Umm, do I HAVE to answer this question?"

Cheryl: "Yes..."

ManMan: "Okay...um, 10 minutes?"

Knifey: "I think we're going to have to have a talk after the show..."

Cheryl: "CSFB!?"

CSFB!: "Well, first of all, I'd assume an alternate time paradox had scooped me up and deposited me in an alternate reality. I'd proceed to search out that world's Lair Legion, assuming they were heroes, and find out where I was. Then, I'd have to find my way back. And after I discovered I just needed my morning coffee and was having a sugar defficiency and was hallucinating, in total it would probably take half a day."

Cheryl: "Okay...Rocket Raccoon?"

RR: "Hmm..."

RR gets out of his seat and walks up to Tori. He looks her over a few times, then pulls out a picture of Sersi. He holds it up next to her, nods his head, and returns to his seat.

RR: "While I'm looking for Sersi, Tori DOES stay in my bed, right? Right? I mean, what kind of idiot do you take me for?"

Cheryl abruptly coughs and has to cover her mouth to stifle a loud laugh.

Cheryl: "I'm afraid I need a time, RR."

RR: "Okay. If it takes me 3 minutes to find rope to make sure Tori doesn't get away...let's say 5 minutes!"

Cheryl: "Alright then. Thank you Tori.

Tori leaves the stage.

Cheryl: "Next question. What was the last thing your girlfriend bought you as a present? ManMan?

ManMan: "Hmm, let's see. She bought this really niiiice lingerie the other day..."

Cheryl: "So that's your answer?"

ManMan: "Well, she won't let me see her in it, so I don't know if that counts. I'll say the dry cleaning bill on my Elvis suit."

Cheryl: "CSFB!?"

CSFB!: "Oh, that's easy. She gave me this really long cord the other day. I could play Wonder Woman, and all kinds of stuff. She even showed me how to tie a noose with it! I would have tried it out as she asked, but we had a Legion emergency."

Cheryl: "Hatman?"

Hat: "Well, she bought me this Labatt Light* cap for me. She says I need to loosen up, and she knows I don't drink. So she kinda tricked me with that hat...I hope I exposed that film to the light in time..."

Cheryl gives Hat a venomous look.

Cheryl: "You had better have...er, Rocket Raccoon?"

RR: "Easy one. She bought me this hoola hoop, and she said it was to help in my training. She set it on fire and then told me too see how many times I could fly through it without getting burnt!"

Cheryl: "...Moving on! If your girlfriend was an animal, what kind of animal would she be? RR?"

RR: "A raccoon, of course!"

Cheryl: "CSFB!?"

CSFB!: "Hmm...a dog, I think."

Cheryl's jaw hangs open.

Cheryl: "Um, uh, Hatman?"

Hat: "Hmm. I'd say a dove, definetly."

Cheryl: "ManMan?"

ManMan: "No way am I stupid enough to answer this question. Put that down as an answer."

Cheryl: "Alright, now we'll bring our girlfriends back out!"

Vizh (off-camera): "Since when did you get a girlfriend? I'd think it'd only be fair if I got one too!"

Cheryl's eyes turn to daggers and a whimpering can be heard off-stage.

Cheryl: "Tori, could you join us again?

Tori comes out on stage.

Cheryl: "Ladies, if your man woke up in bed and found Tori next to him, how long would it take for him to begin looking for you? Troia?"

Troia: Umm, we don't live together, but...well, I guess he is human...around 10 minutes, I guess. But if it's any more than that...!"

Cheryl: "And we have a match! You've got yourself 5 points!"

Troia puts down her spear after picking it up for the assumed thrashing.

Cheryl: "Cobra, what do you think Dream said?"

Cobra: "What? I'm not even going out with him! We've never slept together! I don't even like breathing the same air as him!"

CSFB!: "Oh you kidder you!"

Cheryl: "Regardless, I need an answer."

Cobra: "If I'm lucky he said never."

Cheryl: "No match, I'm afraid. Sorceress?"

Sorc: "Well, Hatty is of the paranoid and overprotective genre...insists on pulling out that crossing guard hat when I cross a busy street...so I'll say he'd look right away."

Cheryl: "You just got yourself 5 points! Sersi?"

Sersi: "What don't you people get about the fact that I hate him? Really?"

RR: "Aw, you're just saying that."

Cheryl: "Honestly, I sympathize, Sersi, but I need an answer."

Sersi: "Oh alright. Probably take him 5 minutes just to figure out that it's not me with him..."

Cheryl: "That's a match! You have 5 points!

Sersi: "What? Dammit!"

Cheryl: "Next question. What was the most recent gift you've bought for your boyfriend? Cobra?

Cobra: "That's an easy one. I bought him that rope the other day...come to think of it, 'honey', you never did try out that noose we made..."

Cheryl: "You've just got yourself 5 points! Troia?"

Troia: "Easy. I bought him the 'Greatest Hits of the King' box set!"

ManMan: "No you didn't!"

Troia: "Did so! Oh, wait a minute..."

Troia pulls a package from her purse.

Troia: "Happy two month anniversary!"

ManMan: "Two month anniversary? Oh boy...er, I mean, right back at you! Your present is...not here! I think Sorceress should answer her question now, don't you agree, Cheryl?"

Cheryl: "...Sure...Sorceress?"

Sorc: "That's not fair...I haven't shown him what I bought for him yesterday."

Hat: "You bought me something? You shouldn't have!"

Sorc: "Oh you big silly, I wanted to. But not counting that...I'll say he said the shirt he's wearing today."

Hat: "Um, Whit? I'm wearing my costume today."

Sorc: "Oh...well why aren't you wearing the one I bought you yesterday?!"

Hat: "Umm, cause you haven't given it to me yet..."

Sorc: "Oh yeah...shoot."

Cheryl: "Sersi?"

Sersi: "No fair, I actually know this answer. Say...if we win, it doesn't mean I have to go, does it? I could send him with someone else?"

Cheryl: "Technically, yes, I guess..."

Sersi: "Then the answer is the flaming hoola-hoop!"

Cheryl: "That's correct. You have the lead with 10 points."

Sersi grins evilly.

Cheryl: "Now, for our last question of this round. Remember, this is the men talking. If you were an animal, what animal would you be? Troia?"

Troia: "You weren't stupid enough to answer this one, were you?"

Cheryl: "That's a match! You have 10 points!"

ManMan: "Who's the man, huh?"

Knifey: "Well, your name kinda overstates it, don'tcha think?"

Cheryl: "Sersi?"

Sersi: "He wants me to be a raccoon."

Cheryl: "That's right! You have the lead with 15 points! Sorceress, what do you think?"

Sorc: "Hmm. I'll go with a butterfly, I guess."

Cheryl: "Sorry, he said a dove."

Hat: "Uh-oh, I'm in trouble."

Sorc: "No, that kind of wrong answer is what keeps me around."

Hat: "And here I thought it was my rugged good looks."

Sorc: "Yeah right..."

Hat: "'Scuse me?"

Sorc: "Nothing. Continue the game!"

Cheryl: "Cobra."

Cobra: "Snake."

Cheryl: "Sorry, no match. He said a dog."

Cobra: "WHAT?! HOW STUPID ARE YOU?! MY NAME IS COBRA, FOR *BLEEP* SAKE!!

CSFB!: "I said that cause you're playful, yet dangerous..."

Cobra: "I am not playful!"

CSFB!: "Then how do you explain last Friday night?"

Cobra: "As I recall I threw you out a window."

CSFB!: "Exactly!"

Cobra: "I have a headache..."

Cheryl: "And that concludes our first round. In the lead is Sersi and Rocket Raccoon with 15 points. Right behind is Troia and ManMan with 10. And in a tie at 5 points for third is Sorceress and Hatman with Cobra and CrazySugarFreakBoy!."

TO BE CONTINUED...






Okay, that last part is a lie. It was never continued. And hey, Cobra, can you send me that date story you mentioned? I don't have it.

~Hat~



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